Struggles

Usually when I sit down to write a blog post I have it all neatly organized in my head. I know the direction and the purpose for writing. This time is a bit different, I am just hoping that this writing serves a purpose.
I feel like I have spent the majority of this year in tears and fear. My little girl has had multiple seizures. The one that happened on May 9th was extremely scary, and caused her to be intubated and sedated. It seems like in many ways I can't get passed that day. Whenever she starts acting the way she did that day, it is like I am physically transported back there. The terror, uncertainty and all around panic flood my body and mind.
Being a Christian, I know that we are not supposed to live in fear. I can quote multiple Bible verses that deal with the fact that God is in control, nothing happens to us unless it is ordained by Him, and that He is the Father of peace. I know these things....but at this point I feel like my fear is bigger than the promises.
It is not like I am rebelling against God. I am searching for Him and crying out to Him with all of my heart, I know that He is the only way I am going to break through these chains of fear. I feel like He is near, yet so far away.
I was doing better, she hadn't had a seizure in five months, and then this past week she had two. We still don't have answers, and in alot of ways I feel like I am fighting an unknown enemy who could strike at anytime. It is very exhausting. I feel like it is easy for the doctors to say, "well, this looks like it will just be a part of your day to day life now", they don't have to live it! It isn't their child, who looks so little, lying there seizing, staring at them, but not recognizing them.
I want to come out of this a stronger person, I want to come out of this, just a little more like Christ, I want the way I handle all of this to be a shining light of God's love and protectiveness, but I am just not there yet.